***QUESTION***

Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex girlfriends? It’s getting to the point where it’s annoying. My bf has a tattoo of his ex girlfriend’s name on his ribs that drives me crazy! Is it just girls that get cheated on that do this or do all sorts of people? How do I get over this?

MY COMMENTS:

That ex girlfriend’s name on your boyfriend ribs i bet brings up many emotions in you: anger, inadequacy, jealousy and fear just to name a few.

When you think of your boyfriend loving somebody so much that he needed to tattoo her name on him, it brings up the thought of “Why her? Why not ME?… that bitch!”

You feel undeserving, and that leads to you feel inadequate for him……Which leads to guilt……Which leads to anger……Which leads to jealousy…

But I want you to understand this fundamental truth about our ex girlfriends and boyfriends: They will hold a special spot in us that rarely go away. Sometimes they will be there for life, and this goes for both your boyfriend and you too.

What do I mean by you too?

You also have boyfriends in your heart that will always hold a place in you.

Why you are so obsessed is because you have done the same thing.

…Maybe they’re not a physical tattoo but, tattooed memories of your own exes that will never leave.

We think about exes and there is NO problem with this.

The problem comes in when we feel guilty about thinking of our past lovers. Guilt creates an absolute MESS out of things.

Not only do we feel guilty for our own mistakes, but we also assume others should feel the same.

So, you think your boyfriend thinks about his exes because you do too. … And then you feel it is something wrong because whenever you think about your exes, you feel guilty about him finding out.

But these thoughts of past lovers arising is natural.

It’s nothing to feel guilty about and it’s especially nothing to be judged for.

The longer and the deeper we connect, the more of a home for them we create.

It’s just like MEMORY FOAM. The deeper you press your hand into it, the deeper and longer the imprints stays.

And your boyfriend’s particular way of showing HIS imprints with his past lover was a tattoo. The memories of your boyfriend’s ex will always be there… even if you travel around the world three times and make a wish!

That’s not the point. You will think about an awesome trip to Disneyland in the same way!

But, your trust in people has been burned in the past. Your trust in him is burnt. You have gone to Disneyland, the happiest place on earth, and been flung out of the Indiana Jones ride, and ever since you have feared going back.

So, this projected blame and obsession comes up.

Chances are, I think you don’t trust very many people… if any… maybe not even yourself. The fact that you are talking about being cheated on is proof enough.

So, there are two directions you can go with this: Fear and regret… OR… Love and gratitude.

Thing is, how you choose to look at this whole situation will influence him as well.

If you are afraid and don’t trust him, he will resent you and pull away. If you trust, love and accept him, he will want to be closer to you.

If you distrust him, it will stop you from opening up to him and wanting him to open up as well. He needs to open up to someone.

More than likely he has very rarely opened up to anybody in his entire life. Men are very shut down. Men build big walls around their hearts, and then when they do open up and get hurt, they reinforce the walls with steel, concrete and attack K9 dogs.

But, you can create your own doorway.

Right now the communication channel between you two is pretty closed down… and you don’t know WHAT will happen if you suddenly start communicating openly. Has he cheated on you? Flirted with other girls? Does he dislike something about you?

The fear keeps coming up and keeps you from wanting to know. But truth is you are in a relationship with this person. Trust is not an option at this point to the survival of the relationship… it is an absolute necessity.

People think they are in relationships and they lie continuously and withhold truths from each other? Yeah right! It’s nothing more than a political war.

If he thinks you have never cheated and he has, you have that power. 

If you think he has never cheated and you have, you will feel guilt and tip toe around sensitive subjects.

It’s such useless power struggling.

Your resentment of him and his ex incapacitates you from opening up to him… And because you won’t open, he won’t open. Communication is contagious.

How you communicate, honestly or otherwise, will influence how he communicates.

Mark it well!

You have to BE open to get openness.

If you continue down this road of passive resentment/frustration, you will be seeing him taking a second look at other women.

Opening up the communication channels is like giving your relationship illegal steroids (without side effects). Things begin to change rapidly.

Do it without judgment, condescension, fear or anger. 

Just do it and put your own shit aside. Just communication with love.

And you must respect his truth whatever it may be.

He’ll be reluctant to talk about his deep personal stuff. He is afraid of your judgment, so you must learn non-judgment. Once he has learned that he can open up to you, you simply ask and out it comes.

Then, you are onto the road of deepening your connection with him.

But there is another, more deep situation, one that plagues the collective feminine… You ENJOY the feeling of being jealous.

Hmm… say what?

You drive yourself into a corner with jealousy.

On one hand you hate feeling jealous and on the other hand you love it. One half of you wants to feel your man is desirable and feel desirable by being with him, and the other half wants him all for yourself.

You become split right down the middle. You become psychotic.

I’m always asked why women are psychotic. It is because they trap themselves in validation.

Men don’t worry about validation as much, and thus they are less psychotic.

Women are constantly worried about how they appear to others, if their hair is cute, their makeup, their sense of humor, their future.

This splits them down the middle.

Lust is not love.

98% of women live in lust/validation and yet say they want love.

It’s no wonder why they go crazy.

They want one thing and buy into another.

So, the jealousy validates him as an attractive, desirable boyfriend feeling which validates you.

And you talk to all of your friends about it too.

Not only do you converse liberally about it, but also you enjoy having to complain to your girlfriends that you have such a desirable boyfriend.

And so you become split. In need of love but seeking out validation.

Your obsession has less to do with your boyfriend’s ex girlfriends, and more to do with validation.

Look, love is a wild breeze and validation is a concrete prison.

Love makes you whole and healthy.

Validation makes you split in two and twisted.

To get out of this whole trap, you must let go of the obsession for validation.

Let go of the drug addiction to validation.

Getting a hit of validation, like someone says your hair looks nice, is like a hit of drugs, causes the obsession to advance.

Then more of the drug is needed.

Soon you have nothing left but your drug addiction.

You become empty inside; just an obsessive addiction to validation.

The most beautiful women in the world are also the most insecure and addicted to validation. They have acquired the drug addiction. Take their beauty away and their life is ruined… just like taking the bottle away from an alcoholic.

The more of an addict one becomes, the more of the drug is needed.

A small amount won’t due anymore.

Now a larger amount is needed, and in a year’s time triple that amount, and so on.

This can really sting to hear at first!

But, it can take you into an absolutely lush, amazing world… like FernGully. Validation is the destroyer and the the rain forest is what we want to save. Ha.

And for what? Where is the important place validation is getting you to? NOWHERE.

It’s a fruitless journey.

There is no reward, It’s just a cycle of gain and loss.

When you lose your obsession for worry and the obsession for worrying of what people think of you and you unplug the the power cord to it all, you notice something interesting happen: you begin to worry less and less.

Worry begins to drop without any effort at all, and there is no forcing it.

It just happens. You finally, for the first time, feel comfortable in your own skin.

Then an interesting thing happens: you relax.

It begins to bubble up out of nowhere.

And the more you don’t try to force it, the more it comes.

Forcing it is just as violent on you as the psychosis of the validation seeking.

There is no forcing, not even any doing. Just sitting back, looking and enjoying.

You begin to feel the feverish chatter of the mind clear and the tension falls away. And soon enough, you see beauty wherever you go.

You see rainbows where there once were none. The scent in the air is particularly crisp and colors are more vivid than they have been since childhood.

You become relaxed and non-possessive. You become free and no longer a slave of needing to possess someone.

And then you are ready for my whole teaching of non-possessive love.

You become the perfect lover, non-possessive, loving, conscious.

And it was all by doing less and less… Becoming unmotivated and allowing the energy that you were freely giving away to people in return for validation to accumulate.

Give up the obsession.

It is an experience so wild, so juicy, so potent and plentiful that tears come to the eyes.

It’s as simple as love and non-neediness.

It’s a place where amazing things occur, miracles in fact.

Fearlessness becomes an absolute truth. The ballsy, risk taking side of you arises from the depth of your soul without you having to force anything.

It just comes on its own. All the while the most lush, bliss of love begins to flood the body.

Thanks for your question.

With honor,Brandon