“Out of freedom you have come to me, and out of freedom you should go. And, if you want to remain with me, out of freedom you should be with me.”

Relationships filled with past baggage, guilt and general distrust have NO IDEA what this quote means.

When we feel insecure in a relationship we feel this overwhelming need to control the situation.

When you read that quote, think about whether your first instinct was to think about your lover or yourself .

Thing is, you sometimes get confused as to whether your boyfriend is controlling because you like feeling like he’s in control… you like feeling that polarity.

You like to know that he’s “da man”.

But you’re not sure if he in control or controlling.

They can look very similar, but there is one crucial difference.

Polarity: He is in control

Control: He is controlling

(NOTE: If you don’t understand what I mean by “polarity”, you need to checkout this post).

There is a BIG difference between “in control” and “being controlling”.

One is based from high self-esteem and the other is low self-esteem.

Here are some signs of a controlling boyfriend:

Guilt Provoking Attitude

When he’s being controlling with you, guilt is his first tool of choice.

People are used to using and reacting to guilt in this guilt tripping world.

And you for one know that when you feel guilty, you will respond like a fish on a hook.

It WORKS on you.

Discourages You from Growing

One of the purposes for relationships is growth, self discovery, heightening awareness, love.

In a controlling situation, these things will be discouraged or not even present.

It’s called “tall poppy syndrome” and it will come into play and every time you grow a little bit… you will be chopped back down to size.

He Feels Out of Control

When people feel out of control what is the first thing they need to do?

They need to get control back.

But when a person is out of control, they are desperate for control… rather than just having it a person who feels out of control and has low self-esteem will reach for the controls desperately rather than someone who doesn’t need it.

The moral of the story?

When something is gripped too tightly, it squeezes out of the finest nook.

When something is allowed to breath, when it is given room it flourishes.

The beginning quote is the quintessential lesson to be learned to get a healthy, loving, happy relationship.

It reestablishes the TRUST, which is desperately lacking in most relationships.

A great relationship has one lover who is in control, not controlling.

This kicks up the polarity and security of the relationship.

A lover who is in control (usually the “yang” masculine) will encourage growth, freedom, security… and of course love.

Some think the answer is to “even out the playing field” and create an “equal” situation.

This won’t solve the situation…it actually creates a whole OTHER set of problems, starting with the carving of a tombstone for Passion.

The point I’m trying to make is he should be in control but not controlling.

Polarity is essential. Take it away and you take away one of the legs that the relationship is standing on.

Are you ready for the twisted part?

The thing about being controlled is that there is pleasure in this pain.

???

Here’s the thing, the feminine enjoys masculinity, and when polarity and being controlling cuts too close, you start enjoying it.

Why?

It validates you that someone WANTS you!

And I am not here to see that these parts of you go untouched.

I want to see these issues HEALED and done with.

But the only reason you kind of like this is because you have never been taught HOW to have a HEALTHY, PASSIONATE LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP.

And yes, there definetly is a way and I want to show it to you.

So the question is, how do you get him to stop controlling you and get him to start making steps to want to make the relationship not just good, but GREAT? 

How do you get him to look at you with PASSION and not only want to hold you in him arms to protect, but let you free when you really need it?

Well that’s going to have to be a topic for another time!

Keep your eyes peeled for that blog post and until next time…

With honor,

Brandon