How to Get Your Controlling Boyfriend to STOP Being So Damn Controlling!
Posted August 10, 2008 10 Comments
So you have a controlling boyfriend and you’ve read “Is He Controlling Me?” Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend and now you’re ready to learn how to get him to STOP controlling you.
How do you get a man who is so controlling of you that it boils your insides to give you as much freedom as you need and STILL give you attention?
In this blog entry, I’m going to show you a simple three step process of how you can REVERSE his need to control you but STILL want to give you attention… in a HEALTHY way… while setting him up to be a MAN for you.
So, how do you get him to stop being so controlling and domineering?
Very carefully! 
Haha.
Thing is, if he’s controlling you right now, let’s just say he’s been more emotionally stable in other parts of his life.
Getting him to stop being controlling is kind of like coaxing a wild bucking bull into calming down.
I don’t mean to make this out to be a difficult task, I just want you to be prepared.
So the first thing is to…
1. Love Him UNCONDITIONALLY and Give HIM His Freedom
I know this isn’t exactly what you want to hear, but see, right now you’re probably a bit PISSED at him… And for good reason!
But if you are pissed off at a bull and start attacking it, do you think you’re going to calm him down or make him more angry?
Yes, the correct answer is make him more angry.
Here’s some spiritual shit for ya.
What you give out is what you get back.
If you get ANGRY at him for controlling you, what do you think will happen going off the above sentence?
Yes, he’s only going to want to control you even MORE and will get more angry at you.
And do you think that this will make him want to free you up?
Well you kind of HOPE it will… but it ain’t gonna! 
Now, I’m not saying you HAVEN’T been loving him, but the first step you HAVE to make in order to prep the groundwork is to accept him fully.
And if you accept him FULLY, what do you think will happen going off of our spiritual sentence above?
He will begin making steps to accept YOU and what YOU want.
2. Go WITH the Flow
Simple fact is, the more you resist him the MORE he’s going to want to control you.
He’s going to feel like you’re slipping out of his grasp and begin making more attempts to control you.
So… go WITH the river!
Seriously, don’t try to swim upstream.
You’ll get exhausted and get NOWHERE.
And by going with it, you are NOT giving up.
In fact, you are preparing the ground for things to start changing.
Here’s the thing, we usually have to do the OPPOSITE of what we think will work to actually get what we want.
So to get him to start lightening up on you, give into the control a bit and stop resisting it so much like you might be now.
3. Stop Withholding Truth, Tricking or Trying to Play Games With Him
Many men control because they feel the other person is untrustworthy… so he will try to control you because he doesn’t TRUST you.
So what I say is to EARN his trust.
Yes, it’s that simple!
I’m not saying you aren’t trustworthy, but you must SHOW him that you are.
If you don’t take active steps to earn his trust, he will never want to let off.
And if he IS being controlling, something tells me that you haven’t earned his trust, and you are possibly doing things to AMPLIFY the situation.
Now listen, this isn’t your fault.He’s grown up under different circumstances than you.
But it’s up to you to make things change, because HE’S NOT GOING TO!It’s too unpredictable to rely on him to change things without you taking action.
Look, when he starts to ABSOLUTELY trusts you, he WILL let off.
Not only will he let off… but he will find it a lot easier to get truly INTIMATE with you rather than holding back like he might be doing right now.
If you follow this basic three step process and use it on a daily basis, you WILL see things start to improve.
This is a very basic outlined structure of where to start.
I’m not going to get into tips and “techniques” today because they’re probably going to trip you up and get in your way and I want to keep things simple.
I really hoped this has helped you understand at least one more thing you can start doing right now that’s going to heal your relationship.
And do me a favor and leave me a comment in the box below so I can hear your thoughts, questions or successes with this material and if there’s anything more I can do to help you with your PERSONAL situation.
I want to get it down right for you… and make sure that you’re getting what you really need out of this, so be sure to leave me a comment.
And I’ll more than happy to leave you back a comment with my thoughts.
Until next time,
With honor and love,
Brandon
All rights reserved.
I also think going with the flow does change him drastically because I am in a similar situation where the father of my baby boy is controlling so I try and give him all the freedom he wants and all the time he needs by himself and he comes back to us at the end of the day. So I say biggups to the three step process
Nice!
Thanks guys for you’re comments
Yeah, I’ve seen “going with the flow” do AMAZING things.
Things like you wouldn’t believe
Controlling men have insecurities, fears, and low self-esteem. He does not trust you, He does not believe you. Being with him is like being in a prison where you have to watch your back constantly and walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him. Why would you want a man like that? Life is simply too short to waste it on such a man. I recommend simply walking away.
Hi Kids,
First, thank you for your thought provoking communications.
Yeah, I’d have to agree with Kit. I mean we are a piece of the puzzle too, we have to be truthful and loving of our self and yeah we can put up with and dish out some crap, but guess I disagree with this strategy in a destructive circumstance that only we may decide.
I’m not the easiest person either, I have some quirks, I can’t help saying this but it does tie in with a previous article. Quess what? I fart sometimes. Can you believe it? I actually fart. It seems to me the majority of people cannot get past healthy biological normalities. Yeah, sometimes they (the farts) are kinda loud and sometimes they smell. OMG!!!
I think going with the “flow wolf” is generally a good idea in many circumstances. However , It seems to me the thing men avoid most is the old “Truth” face to face. Call it what you will. I’m tired of wars I’m tired of hatred and my fondest wish is for all people, women and men to work together toward understanding among each other. Sure toes will get stepped on, just not too hard — its only dancing.
I usually offer just a little too much truth, that pushes them away, for me it tells me the men from the boys. If they can’t handle the truth they sure can’t handle me.. I’m kind of indianish and I’m a rock hugger and I have a vision that includes mending of relationships and people working and playing together. “Love, exciting and nuuu, come on boarrrd, were expecting uuuu, Its Looovve Boooat, lalalalalalalaaaa. Personally, straight up, I’d rather be pushed away than left dangling. I do not withhold truth and I do not hold my breath. Peace and good wishes always. Love Grandma OX
Where there’s a will there’s a way. Dear Padre,
Your post “Relationship Game” has a very Christian flavor.
Having some mixed emotions on this. Naturally I feel it is essential in any relationship to be able to step in and try to understand other people and perspectives. At the same time I think there is such a thing as too much understanding, too much giving. Too much coddling can hinder growth and development. I truly believe for any person, nothing will ever be good enough until they are good enough for themselves. It gets easy to get stuck in a sinkhole of giving and setting aside personal needs, easy to be swallowed by the unsatiable. All children thirst and hunger for truth and some measure of understanding. We don’t just breath in or out, we do both, pretty basic stuff guys.. Women can easily lose their identity merging too much — too much merging will build resentment and anger. Sometimes a man needs to build bridges and get over them too,,, sometimes for no good reason. Understanding goes both ways. We are all in the same boat and it is not up to one or another, sometimes we give more and sometimes we need to know when we have given enough. Respectfully yours, Grandma OX
I did not see where to post a comment on this so if you would be so kind. Women have enough pressure and so do men. If we want to come together effort is needed on both sides. It doesn’t take much and if it takes too much we may choose a different course, we have choices.
Please don’t push it all on the women, I don’t like that.
PS. Thank you for helping me think and vent. This is a wonderful gift, have fun too. All ways.
Its gud and worth considering
Keep it up !
i am so depressed i cant stand him n e more i always had a high tolerance but now its faded due to his actions. the man gives me breatha lizer test if i go anywhere and i never was a big drinker and havent even looked at alcohol in a year yet his one relative lives with us and its unbarable i take care of them both and when its my time 4 once to go do sumthing 4 me hes on me like like flies on u know what but its ok 4 him to go to get tats til 10 @ nite and i am not to b mad? so i was sweet and did all the things i was to do. and even though i was so pissed that nite he went to get a tat i finally took the time today to go visit my mother in the 1st time in 6months. and he said wel whatever u just better b home b4 i am already starting on me. so i tried and tried to keep cool til he brings up all past crap i coulnt help but blow. i know what alot of ppl say thers 2 sides to every story! bullshiit in my case ive catered,served,cleaned,ran all sorts of arrons even waiting in a freezing ass line sumwhere in chicago to wait 4 a pair of new jordans that were coming out to not get the pair cuz i was to far back in line to cal him and tell him the bad news instead of him being like a loving man and saying oh honey u must b cold cmon home u tried! or ok no prob ill just except this. hellllllllll nooooooooooo did thoses thingss happen. what he did do is call me a bitch and screamed that i shuldve left even earlier then he siad and blah bitch and moan##%^$^$%^!!! so i told him off and came home.but this person has been like this since day one well a lil after when he knew i was in love or hooked. hes a bastard. hes hit me yelled at me 4 getting ballpark hotdogs instead of oscar meyer ones just to open the fridge to show him that was the brand in ther being eaten by him the whole time and that he never complained b4 y now? here i am sweet enough to even do all these things 4 him and he still knocks me down my dreams my family my love 4 anything except himself. hes always acting cocky and stuck up and when hes told that by ppl back in the day he laughs and thinks its cool. so i wanted to move 4 the last 3 years i tell him lets just go and have a clean break that hes not a family man or ever wants kids sumday i spent all my twenties with him and put me on the back burner while he got ahead in life and here i sit with shit! im mad that i allowed this to happen to me and ive always been a strong believer in change which he had me do all the time the way i dresses talked hair makeup etc. i told him i want out then i refuse to stop doing the things i like to plz him and that he wouldnt do that 4 me! all he cares about is the upgrades on his house and his cars and his money and such. and all i did was work at the time and take care of his relative and run all her arrons and his by the end of the day at the time i was so mentally exausted from her endless coversations and his every hour on the hour phone calls yelling that i wasnt doing what i am to be doing. i was and am hurt and exausted from his ass! he pawned off his relative on me to take care of and me being a push over i took it all these years. now the relative is getting like him telling me what to do and such and me being super sweet i just allowed it cuz even though ther hurting me i didnt wasnt to hurt them that just wasnt my nature i dont know y? i was raised to b kind! but this isnt including all the times he kicked me out to b with another or hed pick fights wit me on purpose to get me to leave then hed whore around and then get bored with them and come get me back. and me being young i thought he was realizing what he had yet in reality it wasnt it was just his girl toys or whatever they were tohim were gone or left too who the hell knows. i just thought id have a diff life then this. one that was loving and caring. i have to say i met a man after leving the controller 4 a year and him and i hit it off well real well. he was so good to me i got freaked he said hun this is what love is and we were so happy. but we broke up after the controller decided to come bak to get me cuz what he had going was gone i guess. so i found out. he begged and pleaded that he is not the same as b 4 and he had changed 4 the better he now knows i was the one. so me having the huge history with him yet never really knowing who he is i took him back i really had to decide who i wanted i was curious to see if what he was saying was true? so here i am 3 years later and the ex he had is sending me all sorts of proof that thay been talking since she left and planning on geting bak together. so i am getting abused emotionally,physically, on top of it cheated? im getting all 3 things done to me when alot just moan about one or the other. so now im at my wits end with it all. and here hell b itting pretty with the house and all the luxaries and i have shit to show 4 all the work i put in the house cuz he made it seem at the times that i waould be apart of this dream i helpped him built when hes rite back to the old person. i am so lost i dont want to burden anyone i just wasnt to run away frm it all. everything. ive been violated by him sexually back in time when ever wed do it hes say oh just put it in ur mouth and it was a whole year the last time we did it. and we finally did it recently i was in such need so i went to be with him and he pushed me off and tried pushing my head downther to do him and i get nothing as always thats what sex with him is like no passion always abusing me always!!! hes held unloaded guns to my head when he got jealous in the past cuz i was working a lil longer then usual. and i will be hoinest i had never cheated on him ever all the years. then all of a sudden i met a man and we hit it off. i couldnt help it the other man knew i had him and was moving so i kept my word and as much fear of my life as i was i moved and waht was funny is the controller didnt try to stopme at all. so after a year he came back as i said earlier to find out the broad he was with were seeing eachother 5 months b4 i even moved out how shitty is that? and as alwasy he denies everything but i dnt believe him he lies to me as he lied to her. so now after all this crap. 3 years later, im getting proof of him emailing her and how i know its true? because everything hes doing now with her,calls,emails, etc he used to do to me and thers no way shed know this stuf its him and he lies. so today i made the desision i want to move on sooooooooooo bad i cant even go get my nails dne with out him flipping out on me about where i was. in other words he broke the trust bind way back with me ill never trust him again as he doenst with me. i told him i want out now hes like well (laughing whatever) i still have sum arrons 4 u to do like going to the dmv 2 morrow and get this and that and this and that. then as soon as i get up to go i get bumbarded with questions from the realative where u going? and talks and talks about useless info i dnt even care to know its just sumthing 4 her to do and in the meantime its mentally draining me so much cuz not only wiil she have a list of stuff 4 me to do i have his on top of it. and its just enough to take up all my time so by the time i get dne the whole days done then hes on his wasy home hungary and wants this an s that to eat and served to him then shes in my was telling me how to cook and asking me all sorts of dumb questions and telling me what she sees on the news or how many cars drove past on the highway. im like shut the fuck up in my head to them both. plus i work and pay bills at the time. so now hes already got a list of arrons 4 me 2 do 2morrow and i wanna mive and this would all have to happen in the fucking dead ass cold winter months with nowhere to go and such. what im thinking is cuz i keep saying i wanna leave he is getting mre ready to find that broad again and wants her to cme bak cuz he did it to her when she was leaving/ but hes not the kind to just tell u or talk hell just come home one day and u think its all ok and hell just blurt out hmmmmmmmmm well ur just not what im looking 4 so its time to hit the road. how do i know cuz hes done this a thousand time to me in the past 10 years. so thats y that one year when i finally got the balls to leave him i didnt feel so guilty cuz i wasnt at fault he did me and that other gal wrong so many times. i have watche dr phil and read an bought books and did all sorts of reading and such to figure out wth is wrong with me? it was never me it was and is him all together. i just havve that feeling hes gonna pull the rug frm under me again one day and tell me its over. and its like just one time i want him to hurt the way he hurted me 4 all 11 years of hell barley any good times with him that i can remember. hes always gotta pic on me whether it a tiny zit on my fface he has to tell me it ther or a spot on my shirt that is ther or my car is junk or im a loser or anything to put me down yet hes the succesful one hes got money 4 a reason. sure he soes cuz im spending all my time plzing both of these controllers in one household and putting my schooling and hobbies and work i want to do aside and here they have time to put the extra 8 hours in at work to make that money. so i am a loser 4 staying with this piece of garbage. and another thing i have never ever borrowd money or been dependent on him in the past til this last year and this is y cuz u owe them everything under the sun . the controller will make an agreement with u and say well ill hlp and pay this biill u have (cuz they make u quit ur job) if u do this 4 me stain a acre fence by hand well that was the deal and other lil things u do and then a year later bring it up u stil owe them not remembering or choosing not to remember that damn fence. or the fact u sat and listened to stories about stupid things all da long from the relative just to ware them out so when the controller comes home the relative will be so tired frm talking all day thanks to me the controller can just relax while im going a mile a min tring to make him a dinner and shes in the backround talking more and more. then he yelss at her to go to her room and hsut up and laughs while she gets hurt and whines its so cold in this house and i nedd this and that oh if it wasnt 4 u (me) i dnt know what id do u know the sympathy card again. then il make his meal take it him with all the trimmings u name it then asd ur serving it hell say ewww whats this crap it looks like ka ka!!! then he laughs. u know i have a fun personality too and know when to take a joke but he does this all time every day. he has to be shitty about sumthing once a day or he has to fight with me about sumthing once a day im not kidding this guy is wacked by far! thers a set schedule to live with him. i have to make sure he ate b4 me cuz he works so hard and i dnt lol (for real he thinks this way) then he has to have everything his way or else. the other person wnt make herself sumthing to eat til he gos to bed cuz he yells that she makes a mess with her butter knifes and plates and such. its even got to the point where i was nice enough to get sum tv dinners 4 her and i. and one nite or 2 or 100 she comes out and says ohhhhhh those look good ill take the meatball dinner later ok?> im like what now i gotta cook 4 her too? wtf is going onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn?????????????????? so i am just so angry inside i never thought id take this kinda crap frm anyone in my life but i guess when ppl take my kindness 4 weakness and knows how to play the game it can b dne. and im thinknig they dnt know there even doing it at times there just bossy controlling ppl. yet i cant take this n e more seriously. i am walking on eggshells everyday around her. its like i am ther personal slave and the lady sees my pain and hell and still chooses to add to it just to get her stuff dne. once and a blue mon shell stop and say oh i am sorry i hate having to have u runn alll over 4 me too. but yet she still does it. then he will call and he hears her talking in the backround and tells me to tell her to shut up that hes talking. im like wth? this isnt my plc to tell her that he needs to sit dwn with her and have a heart to heart. but he wnt he treats her bad too.this is his relative btw. and he disrespects her as he does mel. but then shel say oh ur his slave i dunno what to tell u. but yet she still stays here and takes the abuse too! any ways i am soooo sorry to u guys 4 this being so long but i had to vent. i am one fed up woman who wants to just b happy trusted loved cared about respected #1. and again i am a strong believer that respect is # 1 u have to give what u give i alwasy was taught yet i gave and gave and get no respect in return and i reall am angelic in this relationship and alwasy was till he double crossed me then id do him like he did me i only hurt him when he hurts me or when he provokes me 1st then i provke him bakc as kiddish as it sounds he always starts it. i try and try. i am the mature one and i have been through hell wit this guy. i always took care of him and gave him the emotional love and support he needs. yet he still chooses to put me down or tried to change me to b sumthing i am not. i hate him 4 all the hell and lies and games he plays on me and need an answer to this so ill check in to see if anyone responded to this i need help plzzzzzzzzzz????????? any body!!!
i hope to hear sumthing soon!!!