So you have a controlling boyfriend and you've read “Is He Controlling Me?” Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend and now you're ready to learn how to get a man to STOP controlling you.
How do you get a controlling man, so controlling that it boils your insides, to give you as much freedom as you want and STILL give you attention, love and respect?
I'm about to show you a simple three step process to help reverse a man's possessiveness, but KEEP his love and attention… while helping to set him up to be the perfect MAN for you.
The question, how do you get a man to stop being so controlling and domineering?
I've helped many women overcome this obstacle with men.
The first thing you must understand is that when a man is possessive, really he is very insecure and distrustful… let's just say he's been more “emotionally stable” in other times in his life.
I want you to take all of that anger, frustration and fear that you probably have towards him right now and be more COMPASSIONATE towards him and see things through HIS eyes.
You have every right to be angry and frustrated, but anger is not going give you a perfect relationship.
So, getting this man to stop controlling is like coaxing a wild bucking bull into calming down.
But the more you understand the bull and it's motivations, the more successful you will be in getting that bull to trust you, respect you, and allow you to be free.
When you're dealing with insecurity and a lack of trust in a man, you must approach him in a specific way. So the first thing is…
1. Do The OPPOSITE Of What Most Women Do When In A Controlling Situation
What most women do when a man becomes controlling is become resent, frustrated, sad, and angry at him for controlling her… and I'm not saying women don't have every right to be angry.
But the problem is this is the opposite of what will get him to become balanced, trust and respect you and ultimately give you freedom.
Most women don't RESPECT themselves enough to not put up with a situation like this and will let it drag on for a long period of time.
What works that most women never think of because of the sheer amounts of emotion they are feeling is to love him unconditionally and give HIM his freedom.
I know this isn't what you were probably expecting or want to hear, so let me explain.
When a man is possessive and controlling, it can make a woman pissed off, get upset and bring a lot of pain and confusion to her.
But what happens when a women is in this negative emotional state, instead of a compassionate state, is she can often make themselves a target for being controlled.
Like attracts like, and just as his controlling has brought negative emotional energy out of you, you are at the same time helping him to distrust more and feel more insecure by your negative emotional state.
Because when a woman goes into a negative emotional state in a relationship, her actions mirror that emotional state.
What many women start doing when they are in a controlling situation is first go through a period of sadness and confusion but then get angry and try to make him feel the same things that she is feeling and make him feel hurt or guilty for what he is doing.
Men can be real assholes, especially when they become controlling jerks, but the problem is this simply is the wrong direction to take if you want to heal this situation.
Often times when I'm doing phone coaching sessions, women don't believe me at first when I say their energy is helping to create the situation.
It's hard for them to buy.
But their mind changes when I ask them to think about this: If you're angry at a wild bull and start attacking it, do you think you're going to calm him down or make him more angry?
Do you see what I mean?
Possessiveness in a man is a very primal reaction when he feels a loss of control. It's something men do when they feel insecure about their girlfriend staying loyal in a relationship.
So you must change your energy from anger to something else that will actually motivate him to loosen his grips.
If your energy is in anger, he will only want to control you more and will get more angry.
If instead you do the opposite: stop, take a deep breath, and start looking for solutions instead of reacting emotionally, you will already be halfway home to healing this control issue… and it can be healed easily if you make this your foundation.
And the solution is ultimately to have compassion for his insecurity and SELF RESPECT.
If you can start to put your energy into compassion instead of anger, it will make things much easier.
I've seen this one simple step change many men instantly.
And if you accept him fully, he will begin to make steps to accept YOU fully and your needs.
2. Turning The Tides In Your Favor
Have you ever gotten with a man you met, maybe you even slept with him, and you thought he was going to be a great boyfriend…but then he said something like “I'm not interested in a relationship right now.”
You didn't know what to do or exactly how to feel, but you found yourself calling him often and feeling needy… then what you feared most happen: he pulled away from you and cut communication with you, and you never heard from him again?
Why did this happen?
You may not have suspected what caused it, but what caused him to withdraw completely was your unacceptable of him not wanting a relationship.
When he said “I'm not interested in a relationship” you might have reacted negatively and your feeling were hurt.
And I'm guessing that when he felt you feel that fear and resistance, that was the moment he knew for sure you weren't “girlfriend material”, because
men want a girl who can be cool with his needs and desires.
Chances are that same man was with another woman very shortly afterward, but this time he was asking her for a relationship…and it had nothing to do with age, physical attractiveness or even life circumstances.
What did she do that you didn't?
And what does this have to do with a controlling man?
Because there's an exact correlation to draw.
Simple fact: the more you resist a man you're in a relationship with the more he's going to act negatively towards you. It doesn't matter if he's controlling or not…. this is the bottom line.
And remember I'm not saying you don't have a good reason, but there is no reason in the world good enough to allow you to feel negative and get what you want at the same time, because those negative emotions are going to keep you from getting what you want.
How your feelings affect the control situation is he's going to feel like you're slipping out of his grasp and begin making more attempts to control you.
What to do?
I have a solution for you, but it's going to take a lot of trust on your part to pull off, trust in me, trust in your boyfriend and mostly trust in yourself.
The answer is to go WITH the flow instead of against it.
Don't try to swim upstream because you will only get more exhausted, disheartened and get NOWHERE.
When you are AGAINST something, you often STRENGTHEN it.
For instance, have you ever been in a fight with a man where he was resisting your point of view vehemently, and you were resisting his and the fight elevated? If one person were to bring compassion and understand into the fight and see it from the other's perspective, the whole fight would immediately vanish… not only that, but then he would be 100 times more receptive to actually listening to YOUR perspective.
And by going with it, you're NOT “giving in” to his control.
In fact, once again you're making another step to prepare the ground for change.
In love, usually if we move in the OPPOSITE direction of what we think will work to actually get what we want.
One of the greatest minds the world has ever seen, Albert Einstein, once said “Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction”.
You will be surprised how quickly he will begin to trust you and lets go and starts to become “Mr. Right”.
By the way, this isn't just a useful perspective for a controlling situation… this is a “holistic” perspective and should be at the foundation of all of your relationship engagements.
3. Stop Withholding Truth, Using “Tricks” Or Playing Games
Many men control because they unconsciously don't trust their girlfriends…so he will try to control you because he doesn't TRUST you.
Sometimes his mistrust is based on the current relationship, but also can have been created from past relationships, or even his mother.
More often it's a combination of all three of these.
One thing most women overlook is to earn his trust.
Yes, it's that simple!
Most women think that when they get into a relationship with a man, they are entitled to his trust.
I'm not saying you aren't trustworthy, only you know that for sure, but you must SHOW him that you are trustworthy.
Instead, most women actually break down the trust more by playing games with him and being dishonest with him because they feel afraid. Unfortunately this actually makes the situation worse.
The thing is, on some unconscious level we KNOW when someones is being dishonest even if consciously we appear to not.
Trust and respect are an unconscious phenomenon. The more a person deceives another, the more that person's unconscious trust will be broken.
If you don't take active steps to earn and establish trust, he won't let up.
And if he IS being controlling, you haven't earned his trust and respect enough for him to let you make your own decisions, and you are possibly doing things to AMPLIFY the situation.
How you build respect is by respecting YOURSELF.
Now listen, this isn't your fault.
He's grown up under different circumstances than you and has had different experiences with love and relationships.
But if you want this relationship and you love him, it's up to you to make things change, because HE'S NOT GOING TO.
It's too unpredictable to rely on him to change things right now without you getting the ball rolling.
Look, when he starts to trusts AND respect you, he WILL let off.
Not only will he let off…but he will find it a lot easier to get truly INTIMATE with you rather than holding back like he might be doing right now.
If you follow this basic three step process and use it on a daily basis, you WILL see things start to improve.
I'm not going to get into tips and “techniques” today because they're probably going to trip you up and get in your way and I want to keep things simple.
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Until next time and good luck.
With honor and love,