Dating Tips vs. Authenticity
Dating tips, games and tricks boil down to these things: being aloof, playing hard to get, acting like you have a life, not acting needy, demonstrating value.
Fact is this: these things work. They definitely work with many, many people.
The second you throw out a lure of aloofness, people jump at the chance to bite.
The deeper you go into these tips and tactics, the more one finds they are filled to the brim with fear, weakness and manipulation.
Tricks and games are for the weak and manipulative. This is essential to understand.
Only out of weakness, fear and neediness can the need for these tricks arise, and everyone is interested in teaching you the tricks! If you take a look to the right of this page, 1/2 of the sponsored links want you to use one trick or another. And interestingly, they know that you want them.
But these tricks make the real situation as to why you would consider using them bigger, but now there is a beautiful decor around it. Ironic.
What needs to be looked at is this fear, this weakness that drives one to need and want the tactics in the first place.
It’s that same fear that sends a person into a rut in the first place. It all comes from the same energy. You feel inferior and weak, so you look for help and find other things along the same lines as that fear that help cover up and shroud the fear. Then that fear leads to manipulation, weakness and no sense of confidence.
The string of logic gets so logical that there becomes endless hallway with an exit sign getting further away as you walk towards it. Logically you want to go towards the exit, but all you need to do is turn around.
The point of acting non-needy, acting aloof, playing hard to get is to copy someone who actually has these traits. These tricks have been discovered by observing people who are actually not needy. Then they see how the guy responds to a non-needy chick and think “That’s amazing! I’m going to act like that and I’ll start getting more success in my love life!” Then they take it and run. They begin to act non-needy towards guys, and lo and behold, they find it works wonders.
But there’s a big problem. People can only lie so long before: they become angry, depressed, repressed, attract things they don’t want, and attract situations they weren’t ready for.
If you lie that you are millionaire but only have pennies in the bank account what will happen when you are asked to invest $5.1 million into a large company? You have thrown yourself into a situation you are not ready for. There’s no way you can do it! And because you keep up the lie, you panic, stress, get depressed until the truth reveals itself.
When you act aloof to get a guy, you are bringing a situation into your life which you are not in resonance with. There is not a natural harmony.
Then, stress arises, anger arises, and anxiety arises. You breakout and don’t know why, you start getting crows feet. Women worry so much and one of the reasons for it is because they are always trying to be somebody for other people.
It happens everywhere. People pretend to be something they are not. If ever I find myself in a situation that stresses me so, maybe even strikes fear into the heart, I remember to come back to authenticity, become aware and wake up. Then whatever happens is the way it is suppose to happen.
Authenticity is one of the few things that we come into the world with. Then as we adjust more and more to the world, we start realizing we can sell our authenticity. It can be sold for tantalizing things: like a new house, more friends and, oh yeah a lover. We start selling it away like we are an auctioneer selling to the highest bidder.
You want the lover, the friends, the career but it seems easier to trick somebody into thinking you are something you’re not rather than actually going to the core of you.
Revealing the core of you makes you vulnerable, hence there is a great desire to keep up the lies and keep the vulnerability sealed away. It’s similar to taking a rotted out wall with termites, holes and infestation and painting over it with a bucket of pink paint it to cover it up. It’s easier to paint over it rather than to rebuild the wall. You end up putting so many layers of paint on you forget about the wall underneath rotting away. Then one day you pull back the paint to find the entire wall has rotted away… and maggots and termites are the only thing left.
But you are different from a wall. A wall rots away, but you cannot. In fact, the more you reveal yourself, the more you grow, the more you flourish. The more lies build up over you, the more burdened you become. You decay on the inside. Your inner being likes to see the light of day. It thrives that way.
Otherwise, you lose your authenticity, you lose your window of happiness and you continue to worry. You worry about keeping up your image and you worry about all of the circumstances you weren’t ready for.
Love is desired, but what’s the use if it can’t be enjoyed? Love is received to this faulty persona, not to the real you, and you never feel like you are truly loved until you are truly authentic.
When authenticity blooms that feeling of “they only love my image, they can’t love the real me because look how hollow I am” becomes “They really do love me for me”.
It’s a “from the inside out” job. The more the inside is allowed to come out and play, the more one becomes intoxicated with one’s self. Be selfish because love is selfish! Be an open narcissist for once!
Then we allow ourselves to enjoy that which all of the pretending and bullshitting was all about: love.
The depths of your human soul right there inside of you is pure power, pure love, and it is completely non-needy and absolutely free. Right there inside of you right now! It sits there waiting to be released, like a dormant volcano. You have so much strength in your very soul that you have the entire universe on your side.
I have a raw foodist teacher friend David Wolfe who says it takes 75,000 lifetimes to take step into a yoga studio. I’ll say it again: 75,000 lifetimes. Just by you sitting here reading this, who knows how many lifetimes where talking about here. Sitting here… I mean we’re talking about mastering love and sexuality for god sakes!
These things are at the highest of values.
No doubt the cream of the crop.
Releasing that inner flourishing will make every and all dating tips look like a joke.
With honor,
Brandon
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Nice new website you got.
Cheers, man.
Mmmmhhh I don’t quite get it. I mean who you are is your personality (let aside the being). And then there will be a gap between who you are and what you want to be. You practice until both become eventually one.Goals can also be authentic right? Or do you mean that maybe one is low on awareness and thus has no integrity? But then he will not be able to do otherwise, but that does not mean that he has no chance to be authentic??
Thanks for your answer, I really preciate it. It’s probably one of my sticking point
Greetings
Nothing compares with a nice glass of truth. Viva la differants!! Thank you Brandon.
I can totally relate to what you’re saying Brandon, but then again, I think your words will mean very little to somebody who for example has been pestered all of his life, for any number of reasons… or who in general has a low self esteem…
This doesn’t have to be your extreme nerd or geek who never had a social life; there are tons of guys out there who are genuinally cool, look cool, but still have a very hard time with all of this… What will this ever mean to someone that always try to do the best thing, for himself, for others, who has integrity etc. ,but still… I don’t think that “everything ‘ll be allright” would cut it…
The moment self acceptance comes into the picture, the great irony is that one become that which they have wanted to be. Many people carry tremendous amounts of stress and put massive amounts of pressure on themselves: it crushes them and they end up spinning their wheels with authenticity/love/goals etc. Self acceptance gives one room to breath, and time to figure out where to go.
The human psychology is a great irony. When you feel shame, there is no way you can know what it means to feel powerful. When you feel guilty there’s no possibility of pleasure. And self condemnation, there is no room for authenticity. It’s as if the ego does this on purpose to protect its existence.
Self acceptance is a very attractive trait and is a gateway to authenticity. So, once a “nerd or geek” accepts him or herself, that social label no longer fits with them in the context of our social climate.
You are wrong.
The difficult part of your article is separating the fact from the fiction. The ‘tricks’ which work in dating are only tricks to when you first start using them–Yes you’re not ‘being yourself’, but as it turns out, ‘yourself’ isn’t someone that women wanted to be with. So what do you do?? You learn some of these ‘tricks’ and use them. They work. Pretty soon you’re meeting women, and finding love. You have what you wanted, AND you also find that these ‘tricks’–or more accurately the flirtatious fun filled attitude that must be behind them for them to work consistently–has become part of who you are.
Pretending in this manner doesn’t make you empty inside. It doesn’t make things worse. It only makes things better–you are improving yourself by your own example. “fake it until you make it.”
If you have low self esteem the only way to actively improve yourself is to look yourself in the mirror and say out loud “I’m awesome” every day–and believe yourself. Stand up straight and concentrate on “how would i feel if I were the most awesome person on the planet? How would I stand if everything I was getting everything I wanted?”
When you fake it, on top of becoming a more interesting and fun person, you gain REAL confidence and REAL happiness because you realize that you CAN be a better person. You soon realize that you ARE being a better person.
So i guess you got it right. You aren’t the same “you” that you were when you started a few months ago. You’re not the same old loser who struggled to get a first date–nevermind a second, but if I’m a BETTER person now. If I’m interesting, fun, happy and fulfilled, if my life is giving me everything I want, don’t you think it’s worth it? I do.
I don’t want to be the me of today tomorrow. Every person is changing, and if you learn and practice, you won’t be the same person tomorrow that you are today, but you’ll be better off for it.
Good luck being the same you. I hope you find someone who likes pessimists, but you probably won’t.
“Self improvement is masturbation”. – Fight club;)
It’s only now after going down that long and dark path that I understand what that means. Self-improvement is a watered down version of the real thing, especially because there is so much non-acceptance of oneself in the present that he must improve upon himself. Life and love is the real explosion,finding meaning, seeing a reason for occurrences. It’s what happens when acceptance comes right now, now sometimes tomorrow. But an open heart is needed to understand any of the non-sense I blab on about.
Think I’m going to post more on this later
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Nice blog mayne!
[...] ran into another quality article from Brandon over at Yintegrity - highly recommended food for thought: Dating tips, games and tricks boil down to these things: [...]